How Did This Happen?

I can't believe I never knew Franklin took on stupid sparkly vampires.

Black Eyed Peas

Finally, a movie for the rest of us.

We Interrupt Our Blog Schedule†...

I'm puttering‡ through a handful of blogposts, including:

• Pole dancing
  
• The many wonderful things my year-long now-not-so-secret pal§ has sent me
• The many wonderful things Nintendo has sent me
• Stupid sparkly handspun¶ and an executive tiara#

In the meantime, let me amuse myself by telling you - quickly - that Hans

[our Hans]

went to see

[brace yourself]

the latest STUPID SPARKLY VAMPIRE MOVIE

[in IMAX††]

on opening night.‡‡

Take a moment.§§


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): BWAHAHAHA! Because I'm sure you're setting your watch by my blog these days. Schedule... BWA!

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): Because puttering is the order of the day here at Chez Barfly.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): All will be explained in due time. Perhaps now would be a good time for another "BWAHAHAHA!"

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): Gods, I love my friends. How else would someone be browsing a wool festival and go, "Sparkly. Purple, grey. Foggy, atmospheric, sparkly... stupid sparkly... vampire. Marin"?

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): If you don't think executives should have tiaras, you're not familiar with the insecurity of executiveship. If I can confess right here, nothing in my life (not boys, not college, not spandex, not yearbook pictures) has made me more insecure than being an executive.

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): Possibly in 3D.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): Bought the tickets *in advance*.

§§FOOTNOTE (turn it around): Because we love Hans, and in all fairness, he's the best of best boyfriends; his girlfriend is out of touch with her Twilight contingency, so Hans wanted her to see the movie. AND he decided that she spent a lot of time doing what he wanted to do, so maybe he should do something she wants. If more men were like Hans, there would be no sit-coms.

NOTE: It made me feel better, and may make you feel better, that Hans did not like stupid sparkly vampires.

ALSO NOTE: He told me. He didn't tell his girlfriend. In the land where sit-coms don't mean anything.

Excuse #11

The "Why I Have Neglected My Blog" series:

I was going to stop at 10, but this wandered across my email† and I had to take to my couch with the vapours,‡ precluding blogging for a few days. Under the subject "Subject: You might want to change your mind about Twilight" and the text "After reading this brilliant plea^ for a faithful movie adaptation of the fourth book, 'Breaking Dawn':"§

Why Breaking Dawn Must Be Made¶


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): From someone with a charmingly alarming sense of humour.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): I'm not sure "vapour," when used this way, should take the British spelling. "Vapours" seems like a quintessentially Southern antebellum sort of thing.

^FOOTNOTE (careted): Doubly brilliant in that it reveals that stupid vampires don't just sparkle, they SCUBA.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): I haven't exactly changed my mind, but this did have the effect of making me wildly curious and likely to beg, borrow or steal Breaking Dawn just so I can witness the train wreck for myself.

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): I know there are a bunch of delicate flowers out there. Thematically, linguistically... you're gonna want to take to your couch with the vapors.

ETA: This excuse goes to 11!

I am a Grateful Show-Off

LOOK! This is the last batch of stuff before I hid my camera cable from myself.

I love it! My swap pal is the BEST! She's so awfully clever - just look at the knitting pirates.

There's more! I've received a full complement of spiffy stuff from Swap Pal.

More will come, but until then, oooh and aaah at the pretty, pretty bounty.

Still-secret Swap Pal, I am truly grateful despite my callous ways.

















And this! Because The Moo loves me, she has contributed to my collection of Stupid Sparkly Sweethearts!

I'm going for eBay glory one of these days...




And a SKULL bag. For the grocery store. So the crunchy granola kids who check me out at Sunflower Market can tell me how rad I am.




Yep. Those are my friends: giving me the illusion of radosity for nearly 43 years now.

I Couldn't Resist

Bored of the Rings...

...has been on my bookshelf in one form or another† since 1980.

Now, finally, after 40 years,‡ the Harvard Lampoon has taken on another mega-star.

Be still my stupid sparkly beating heart.


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): Well, one ratty paperback after another, really. The "form" of which I speak is mostly a matter of level of disintegration and magnitude of coffee-stained pages.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): Srsly. Very Short List says so.

Signs of the Times

Appropriate and sad... The Official Warning Sign of 2009.




And a section in my local bookstore.




I'm so glad I ditched Barnes & Noble... the do NOT have a Being Fabulous section at Barnes & Noble, but they frequently have a full section of stupid sparkly vampires.

.-.. .. -.-. -.- - .... . .--. .. --. †

Lest you think I never think of knitting anymore, I am in the process of graphing the Bat Conservation International logo for a nifty tam o' shanter.




And later this week, I'll post pictures of the pair of socks I finished a month ago.




And, FSM willing, the sparkly scarf I'm making from Nathan's brilliant stash contribution.‡

[SUMMARY: I'll keep you coming back for more!]

Meanwhile, I shall share some funny bits lurking in my files.

Like Tippi Hedren in marshmallows§:




And, of course, stupid sparkly vampire snark:




And a whole collection of Savage Chickens that made me snarf%:








Speaking of chicken, I started my birthday with chicken 'n' waffles, a taste treat much lauded by Snoop Dogg, so I felt I had to try it.¶

I am currently developing recipes to make chicken 'n' waffles not quite so much heart-attack-waiting-to-happen.# It's really all about the tobasco and maple syrup, so fat content should be negotiable.

More birthday magic later this week too!

[SUMMARY: I took a couple of marketing classes in college.]

As long as we're talking about food, I just received word from Lucretia-once-Tia that I won a year's supply of Blue Bunny ice cream on a contest on her blog.

[SUMMARY: Don't stand near me. Lightning is about to strike.††]

Yep! It's a staccato blast of pig-licking today. Who knows what cohesiveness or cleverness tomorrow may bring?‡‡


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): Genuine Morse Code! Fun for the whole family! Translation: Lick the pig.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): While I try not to go overboard with WIP pics, I think Nathan should see that his generous gift is going to good and glam use. And it will pad the blog the way only sparkly, sparkly pictures can.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): Don't look, Jackson! And don't click the link!

%FOOTNOTE (percented): The last one is, of course, especially for Lyda.

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): I want to be Snoop Dogg when I grow up, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): I'm thinking non-fried fried chicken and Kashi toaster waffles.

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): I'd like to thank Juno for pointing out that, contrary to my grip on kharma, I will not be struck by lightning to balance out all the good stuff that's happening, but that there is special birthday kharma that allows good things without ass-biting returns.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): Yeah, most of you can lay the odds on that, but you never know. I may experience a flash of brilliance.

The Key to My Heart.. My Car...

...and one useless post box.†

TTHFCIF

Surely‡ you didn't think I was kidding when I said I was going to talk about my keys today.

These are them§:




Over on the left are the electronic swipey keys to the office, along with the key that opens the stairwell doors if I decide to take the stairs instead of the elevator.¶

Then there's the carabiner that holds it all together.

That brass key on the right is the post box key.

Of course, there's the magical key that affords me access to the Cutest Little Car in the Whole Wide World.#




And Vlad.†† Vlad is a Kamibashi string doll that protects me from harm when I'm out past my bedtime.‡‡ And the real reason behind this blogpost.%




[SUMMARY: Blame it on the vampire.]

A month or so ago, I was making small talk with The Peach after my weekly dinner with Dad, and she noticed Vlad and asked about him.§§

I explained his function, and that Brother gave him to me a couple of years ago in my Christmas stocking. I also mentioned that I was kinda hoping that he'd protect me from work, as represented by the electronic swipey keys.

"Just a minute," said The Peach, disappearing up the stairs.

She came back in a moment with a small box containing what looked like stitch markers.¶¶

"Pick one. They're evil eyes I got in Turkey. They're for warding off evil. I think it would go very nicely on your keychain."




[SUMMARY: If one superstition is good, two superstitions is twice as nice.]

So I did. And I'm waiting for the day the evil eye goes after the vampire, who goes after the swipey keys and the whole thing combusts in my purse in a cloud of string and plastic.


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): Let us not speak of it.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): And don't call me Shirley.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): Grammatically untenable, I know, but I like the way it sounds.

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): But does not allow me access to the office, as tested earlier this week.

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): Vlad didn't used to look like a homeless vampire dancing a grapevine, perhaps to someplace where he could wash the grime off his face.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): Vlad does NOT sparkle.

%FOOTNOTE (percented): I've wanted to tell the story of how my keychains will explode my purse some day ever since this incident. Once again, I am *that* dork.

§§FOOTNOTE (the talk turned odd): Vlad is actually quite a conversation piece. I'm starting to wonder if he's become remarkably odd looking and I just don't see it because I'm used to his decrepitude.

¶¶FOOTNOTE (those could be stitch markers, if you squint): All roads lead to knitting. Some take the scenic route.

Stupid Sparkly Sweeheart Fraud

There are moments when I come out of the static and fog and a moment of lucidity will lead me to say to myself, "Self,† perhaps you are taking this a bit too far."

Such was the case the day a couple of weeks ago when I went to my mailbox and found a package I couldn't identify. Where had it come from? Was it a present? As I inventoried my online purchases and expected deliveries, I got nothing.

The return address meant nothing.@

I shook it and it didn't sound like yarn, perfume or tomato planters.%

Finally, I opened it.

[SUMMARY: Your dear ol' AntiM can be a little slow.]

Sweethearts. Special, limited edition, stupid sparkly vampire conversation hearts.

Srsly.

Lucky for me, I got my series of three collectible boxes of special, limited edition, stupid sparkly vampire conversation hearts PLUS an additional box of special, limited edition, stupid sparkly vampire conversation hearts to deconstruct for blog purposes while still maintaining the collectible resale value‡ of the full set of special, limited edition, stupid sparkly vampire conversation hearts.

So box one features stupid sparkly Edward and his lamb,§ along with the whole vampire tribe and some dramatic lighting.




The back of the box not only maps out the special, limited edition flavours¶...




...it has some Twilight Fun Facts for your dining entertainment.

[SUMMARY: It's like a festival of stupid sparkly.]




One might think from the box that:

1. There are three in a series.
2. There is something to scratch and sniff.
3. Forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest.
4. There are special, limited edition, stupid sparkly vampire conversation hearts that actually sparkle.

For those of you scoring at home:

1. True.
2. Sort of.#
3. Debatable.††
4. Filthy liars.

p.s. -- Karen knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about here.

[SUMMARY: Disappointment runs rampant.]




I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but I was actually kind of jazzed about special, limited edition stupid sparkly vampire conversation hearths that actually sparkle.

Not only are there no special, limited edition stupid sparkly vampire conversation hearths that actually sparkle, check out the shoddy workmanship on the standard, chalky non-sparkly conversation hearts:




More often than not the words trail off the side, bleed off the top or were apparently left behind on the conveyor belt on which they were decorated.

[SUMMARY: Quality Control at the New England Candy Company must be on vacation.]

Now, what in the hell am I going to do with three unopened boxes of substandard sparkly stupidity?

And how much do you suppose I paid for it?






†FOOTNOTE (crossed): I always call myself "Self."

@FOOTNOTE (atted): I would be remiss (almost was) if I didn't mention that the Amazon seller's name was "Robert Pattison's Mom." And least I *hope* it was her Amazon seller's name and not a thinly-veiled cry for help.

%FOOTNOTE (percented): Pretty much the scope of my home delivery world. Except the occasional present from Nintendo, and you know I do the same thing with those boxes.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): What other possible reason could I have had for buying something repugnant just because, apparently, it was numbered and limited edition?

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): I'm proud to say I no longer remember her name. I'm ashamed to admit I remember his. He's probably more my type.

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): The passionfruit is actually quite tasty.

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): It looked different from the rest of the box, it felt different from the rest of the box, but when I rubbed it (and later scratched the bejebus out of it), it didn't smell different from the rest of the box.

NOTE: For those of you who checked in earlier, I somehow left the last footnote off the original post. Perhaps my brain was trying to save me the embarrassment of admitting how base my thought process really is.

††FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): For some reason the taste of forbidden fruit ramble finished out in my head with, "...if you blow a married man." You don't find a lot of saints with brains as lascivious as mine.

In Case You Think I've Forgotten...

In my obsessive,† ongoing war on sparkly vampires‡:




I've refrained from posting the Sparkleback Mountain one and the Hugh Jackman vampire hunter one, but this comes from my favourite movie of all time,§ so I gave in to the temptation.

[SUMMARY: The campaign for saint continues... two steps forward, one step back.]

Later this week, we will be exploring stupid sparkly SweeTarts.

Srsly.¶

I couldn't possibly make that up.

*************

Une Fleur de Cassie# - Dominique Ropion for Frederic Malle

Marin says: The first shot is pure Aqua Net, but in a flash it becomes a rich, meaty jasmine before skipping off into a woodsy, leafy white floral.

My nose may be deceiving me, but I think I get a whiff of lime or bitter orange. As soon as I take a deep hit to verify, I lose it. Skating along on top is that crayola smell I associate with violet, but it too hides as soon as I go looking for it.

Deeper than pretty white flowers, not so indolent as pure jasmine, fresh and wet for woods -- kind of like a flowering wood after a rain storm -- and not at all overwhelming. I think this would be a particularly nice summer evening scent -- just a wee bit rich and sexy for a summer day -- and not bad for the office, really.

The Perfumed Court says: A rich, intricate fragrance with notes of bergamot orange,$ rose, violet,$ cassie absolute, mimosa absolute, jasmine absolute,$ clove, cumin, apricot, musk, cedar, and sandalwood.

Hans says: I'm getting a lot of floral and a lot of aldehyde. Floral like... I'm not good at picking out flowers. Daisy. Is daisy subtle?

[There's a category generically known as "white flowers" that is usually pretty light.]

That's it, then. I'm going with aldehyde and white flowers.


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): I warned you right there in the sidebar. Just wait 'til my tomatoes start coming in.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): It's detours like this that make the "still a knitblog" tag necessary.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): I didn't say it was a good movie (though I'd defend its soundtrack to the ends of the earth), but it is my favourite.

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): I'm using this so much -- yes, I say it out loud and pronounce it with no vowels -- I'm in danger of becoming as irritating as after the South Park Al Gore episode when Tani and I almost drove Jax crazy saying, "I'm totally cereal" at the end of every single sentence we uttered.

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): I was going to blame Nathan for this, but it turns out it's the work of Bad Influence No. 3, Michelyn Camen (FifthSenseNYC), who is rapidly becoming one of my favourite -- and most expensive -- twits.

$FOOTNOTE (on the money!): I can't believe I couldn't get the cedar or apricot, but I'm tickled pink I got the jasmine and violet.

I Can Always Count on You

Stupid Sparkly Update

I guess I should watch my back.†

The hairpulling is getting serious.


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): Side note: Black type on a dark grey background is a VERY BAD IDEA.

Confession: Good for the Soul, Hard on the Reputation

TTHFCIF

I have wrestled with my conscience all week.†

Shall I confess or take this shame to my grave,‡ jeopardising all my good and saintly works?§

*sigh*

You know the answer with the asking of the question.

[SUMMARY: Spiritual talk apparently requires stuffy speech patterns.]

Last Friday, when I was snowed in,% I...

I...

I...

Iwatchedthestupidsparklyvampires.

*whew*

I do feel better. Does this require penance?¶

[SUMMARY: Theology slippery, sainthood in danger...]

The movie was better than the book,# if that makes anyone feel any better.††


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): I can usually take my conscience nine falls out of ten.

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): *gaspROSEBUD!gasp*

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): Like... cake. And... knitting. And... um... Lent. Oh! And not burning the Post Office of the Damned to the ground.

%FOOTNOTE (percented): Technically, I was not snowed in anymore by about 10:00 Friday morning, but I see no reason for that to influence this story.

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): Like maybe watching it again?

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): This is known in the business as "damning with faint praise."

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): I feel better. Thank you.

Perfection

Head Trip - Twilight Sucks by *shinga on deviantART


CLICK -- oh PLEASE click for big. You have to click twice, but it's so VERY worth it.%

Nathan sensed my mild anti-Twilight sentiment† and pointed me to this. Nathan is my new best friend.‡

FLOATING FOOTNOTE§


%FOOTNOTE (percented): You can tell by the overuse of capital letters just how worth it it really is.

†FOOTNOTE (crossed): stupid ^*$#& sparkly $%^&@# vampires! @$*&#!

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): Remember the running new best friend joke? Good times, good times.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): Bet you didn't even know I could do that. When you're as advanced in footnote art as I am, you can make floating footnotes. You can also accidentally hit "publish" on the draft post you keep around that has your footnote cheat sheet on it. It's like a quadruple salchow, but in footnotes. So any of you that read this on a feed get to see that little piece of footnote history. *ahem*

Good grief, I'm a dork.

She's a Brick Mouth

via Geekologie}

Anthropological vampire remains. Not stupid. Not sparkly.

Bela Legosi's Dead

And yet, stupid sparkly vampires live on.




So there (undead undead undead).

The end.

Do NOT Look at This Post

You were warned. I have done my saintly duty.


{Bella's womb in felt via Cinematical}


Stupid sparkly vampires are apparently *breeding*.

*shudder*

And some fibre-monkey actually took the time to FELT this monstrosity. I weep for the craft. Sometimes, I think, "Because I can," is not an adequate excuse.

Says the girl knitting three pairs of socks at once.

Stupid Sparkly Vampire

{Jinx via Great White Snark}

Quote from Jinx: "I don't care if his skin glows and twinkles and he smells like kittens and fabric softener, he's still just a glorified syringe."