Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Injury, Meet Insult

"I want to use a whole assortment of four-letter words right now, doc," I said to the optometrist when he told me I NEED BIFOCALS.

I've worn glasses for years for three things:
  1. Driving at night.
  2. To see the names on the jerseys.
  3. Movies.§

[SUMMARY: Keep your eye on the important things.]

Apparently, I got old overnight. One day, I gauged where to hold my book by how comfortable my arms were, not where I could see. Because, you see, I could see. Everything. Just fine. Far or near.

Then, *bam!* one Tuesday,# I couldn't see the computer screen. And that night, I had to hold the book an inch from my nose.

So. Bifocals.

I reeled around the mirrored displays, blindly†† picking up one frame after the other, waving them in front of my face in a desultory manner, humming "Glory Days" and craving dinner at 4:30 for some reason.

[SUMMARY: No focus‡‡ at all.]

Old, feeble brains can't multi-task.§§ It seems I was... less than thorough in my search.

To those of you youngsters out there with all this wonder ahead of you, let me give you a little tip.

Don't forget to check the whole frame before you order.¶¶

FOOTNOTE (crossed): Like a big, brightly-coloured Costco assortment.

FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): You know how it is with free agency and salary caps. Sometimes you don't know a soul at the beginning of the season.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): When I remembered them. It was always a proud day when I could say, "Oh, we can sit anywhere. I remembered my glasses."

FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): I worry that I have a form of Alzheimer's which has as its primary symptom uncontrollable punning.

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): Um... if I remember correctly.

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): Oh, no...

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): Punzheimer's!

§§FOOTNOTE (*so* confused): And just remembering the words to Glory Days is multi-tasking in and of itself.

¶¶FOOTNOTE (*headbonk* *headbonk*): For those of you scoring at home, the random, ugly triangles are orange, purple and white. All I wanted was copper frames. I thought they'd go with my hair. I showed Hans and he didn't even try to make like it was OK. "Your hair almost completely covers the bad part," he said, helpfully.


Jeffe Kennedy said...

hey - I think they're VERY Circadian Disruption!

Marin (AntiM) said...

I feel much better, thank you. I suspect Circadian Disruption is well represented by purple and orange and white triangles.

It's all for the band, man.

Anonymous said...

lol... go put your grannie britches on. i have been wearing glasses since high school. lol

Sarah said...

'Em are some ugly glasses, tell you what.

Anonymous said...

I have the same 1, 2 & 3. Except #2 is "to see the bowling pins". And we don't see many movies. But they're EXACTLY the same.

Another sign of OLD. I just closed this window before publishing my comment and had to type it again. Or maybe that's just a sign of DUMB ASS.

Laurie (Moo!) said...

p.s. Your "choose an identity" thingamabob hates me.

Marin (AntiM) said...

I've *had* glasses for 25 years, Kari, I just never really *had* to wear them. To go from "Eh, only if I want to count the hairs on Harry Potter's head" to "BIFOCALS!" was aback-making.

Laurie, first, I wish you a bifocal-free life. They just weird me out. Also? If you knew how many times a day I hit "cancel" instead of "OK" or "submit" or "log in," you would feel MUCH better.

I miss Haloscan. So much.

Anonymous said...

First off, does your site look completely different, or is it just me?

Second, I kind of dig the glasses. They're quirky and rather fearless, as in, "Yes, I chose these . . . on purpose!" And they imbue your bifocals with fashion accessory status rather than just strict utility wear.

Thirdly, it's so nice to see a new post from you! More More More!

Marin (AntiM) said...

It's not just you. Tired of the old, picked a new template. Clean, crisp, like starched white sheets.

Bless you. I think I'm going to start claiming to have picked them BECAUSE of the triangles.

BTW, for those of you scoring at home, they're not purple, orange and white, they're purple, orange and PINK. Barbie pink.

Thank you! It's nice to know a post is a welcome thing. Makes me feel taller.