I've worn glasses for years for three things:
- Driving at night.
- To see the names on the jerseys.‡
[SUMMARY: Keep your eye¶ on the important things.]
Apparently, I got old overnight. One day, I gauged where to hold my book by how comfortable my arms were, not where I could see. Because, you see, I could see. Everything. Just fine. Far or near.
Then, *bam!* one Tuesday,# I couldn't see the computer screen. And that night, I had to hold the book an inch from my nose.
I reeled around the mirrored displays, blindly†† picking up one frame after the other, waving them in front of my face in a desultory manner, humming "Glory Days" and craving dinner at 4:30 for some reason.
[SUMMARY: No focus‡‡ at all.]
Old, feeble brains can't multi-task.§§ It seems I was... less than thorough in my search.
To those of you youngsters out there with all this wonder ahead of you, let me give you a little tip.
Don't forget to check the whole frame before you order.¶¶
†FOOTNOTE (crossed): Like a big, brightly-coloured Costco assortment.
‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): You know how it is with free agency and salary caps. Sometimes you don't know a soul at the beginning of the season.
§FOOTNOTE (swerved): When I remembered them. It was always a proud day when I could say, "Oh, we can sit anywhere. I remembered my glasses."
¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): I worry that I have a form of Alzheimer's which has as its primary symptom uncontrollable punning.
#FOOTNOTE (pounded): Um... if I remember correctly.
††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): Oh, no...
‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): Punzheimer's!
§§FOOTNOTE (*so* confused): And just remembering the words to Glory Days is multi-tasking in and of itself.
¶¶FOOTNOTE (*headbonk* *headbonk*): For those of you scoring at home, the random, ugly triangles are orange, purple and white. All I wanted was copper frames. I thought they'd go with my hair. I showed Hans and he didn't even try to make like it was OK. "Your hair almost completely covers the bad part," he said, helpfully.