Tuesday, November 18, 2008

God is My Personal Trainer

Sorry. Got stuck behind a car with umpteen Jesus stickers on the back% and I'm in a wicked, mocking mood where evangelical sound bites are concerned.§

In any case, a very inspirational trip leading to an appropriate blogtitle. Totally worth all the hassle.

[SUMMARY: Priorities.]

Last week, I had some earnest discussion about going to the gym. I was even going to go talk to personal trainers one night. Only I couldn't find my gym card.

Which may tell you a little something about how often it gets used.#

[SUMMARY: Blue moons and flying pigs.]

So I went to the 24 Hour Fitness website to order a new one. Technology-wise, 24HF is a step behind the world, and their website is surprisingly unhelpful.

First, I had to enter my membership number. Which I don't have. Because it's on my membership card.

The next step was to call customer service in Bangalor and get said number.

Then plug it into the website.††

Then enter my name, address and phone.‡‡

Then write a paragraph on why I needed a new card.§§

Then receive instructions to print out a form¶¶ and mail it, along with a check## for $10 to an address in California, where they would hold High Council to determine if I am worthy enough to receive a new card in four to six weeks.

[SUMMARY: Customer slavery.]

So I closed my web browser without completing the process and vowed to make a concerted effort to find the original card.

I received a new membership card in the mail last night.

I believe this is the universe's way of telling me to get to the gym already.

[SUMMARY: I hate it when the justification goes the wrong way.]

Hmmm... maybe this could count as another miracle under my belt.


Osmanthus - The Difference Company

Marin says: I tried this while Hans was in Thailand, with the idea that he would have to sit and olfact a whole assload of perfumes when he got back. I re-tried it today when I made him smell it.

Osmanthus is one of those things I don't know. What does osmanthus smell like, all on its own? This is the second Osmanthus I've smelled and I don't think it smells anything like the other one. This is like a SweeTart, but soapier. It started out more botanical, but as many of these things go, it's become increasingly soapy/musky.†††

Second time around, I was intrigued by a delicate lime -- almost like lime leaves rather than lime juice -- and a light, elusive floral. Then the floral roared up and I smell like lipstick and cheap rose perfume. If Bonne Belle made rose Lipsmackers, it would go something like this. It's surprisingly strong for a Jean Claude Ellena scent.‡‡‡

The Perfumed Court says: An elegant fragrance that with delightfully fruity,$ floral$ notes of osmanthus, green leaf,$ bergamot,$ orange, mandarinee, rose,$ baies roses,$ castoreum, hay and musk.$

Hans says: That smells a lot like that one yesterday.

FOOTNOTE (crossed): Greek for "assload."

%FOOTNOTE (percented): I am not categorically opposed to Jesus. I am, however, categorically opposed to bumper stickers.

FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): Including, "Real Men Love Jesus" in a "Frankie Say Relax" graphic format. I think most of you are old enough to remember Frankie and his Relax shirts.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): Particularly since the saintly asshole rode my bumper, whipped around me, cut me off, then somehow managed to cut me off twice more -- howintheHELLdidhegetbehindme -- on the way in to downtown.

FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): I only wish I was being funny there. Sometimes my devotion to clever blogthings (read: what I think of as clever blogthings) overrides better reason.

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): I believe the exact answer is "twice in the last two years."

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): Because "Melanie," the nice Mumbaian woman who gave me my membership number couldn't help me with a new card.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): Check me: shouldn't this have come up with my membership number?

§§FOOTNOTE (fine Spencerian script, like I do all my essays): OK, a tiny exaggeration here, but I did have to give the specific reason I was requesting a replacement card.

¶¶FOOTNOTE (oh, my aching heads -- softball, Kim): Which I didn't actually see, but I suspect was not filled out through prior information gathering.

##FOOTNOTE (how many pounds before I get my gym card?): I've used my checkbook fewer times than my gym card in the last two years. Who requires checks anymore? Oh, wait, I just answered that...

†††FOOTNOTE (Oh, look! A bumper sticker!): Did you know musk isn't all animalic and sexual and rutting? I always thought it was, but it's actually soapy. And if we're talking "actually," it's sort of a reverse-engineering thing. The scent added to laundry soaps starting way back in the 30's (I may be making that up) is a musk, so we associate musk smells with soap now. You're welcome.

‡‡‡FOOTNOTE (supply lines are getting thinner and harder to maintain): Nathan Branch said Grain de Musc said of another JCE creation, "...one of Jean Claude Ellena's many variations on the smell of water."

$FOOTNOTE (on the money): Well, if you count bergamot as close enough to lime leaves for our purposes.

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