Sex in the City!

And I didn't even see the movie this weekend.

Kelley's birthday† was the 30th, so we inhabited the Coral Room Friday night. Guess who came?‡

The Boy, of course.

And that Hot Tamale Jason.

And The Waiter.

And one of the married men from Dave's birthday who brought me to the term "flirtopause."

So I had stuff to do.§

[SUMMARY: I need my stuff to spread out more. Stop laughing.]

Let's see... long story short¶:

I was travelling light, just my skully wristlet with my keys, cards and cash. Kelley got very worried about my stuff just being out there, so she put it in her purse for safekeeping.%

Jason, The Boy and Kelley met when they worked at KMart, like, 15 years ago. Friday night, The Boy called Joel, also a former co-worker# and Joel actually showed up.††

Now, Jason had just wandered outside to sit by himself and I was going to casually wander to him‡‡ when The Waiter caught me and wanted to talk about how we never see each other anymore. And then Mr. Flirtopause wanted to chat. Then Jason came in to get another beer and I latched onto him with a coy little, "Hey, I was just going to come out and see if you wanted company."

"You can come out and keep me company."

"You looked kinda solitary sitting out there."

"I can be pretty solitary."

[light bulb]

"If you want to just be solitary, I'll let you be solitary."

"Relax. Come sit."

I started to sit opposite him at the table and he said, "No, not so far. Come sit next to me."

We sat for all of two minutes when Joel bounced outside to visit the old days with Jason. After a few minutes, everybody else followed. Because all I could do was sit there and nod and pretend to be amused when someone tossed out the seventh version of, "Remember that time Big Brandon caught that chick in the garden department...?"§§

So I went in and talked to The Waiter. And Mr. Flirtopause. And looked up just in time to see Kelley roaring out of the parking lot with Ed¶¶ in her car.

"She's coming back, right? She just went to take Ed home?"

"I don't think so. She didn't say anything. She just left."

"SHE HAS MY KEYS!"

[SUMMARY: I missed the boat on "long story short" about 200 words ago.]

So The Boy's sister## offered to take me to Kelley's place††† to wait for my keys, after which she'd bring me back to my car. But we beat Kelley home. And she didn't show up and didn't show up and then Joel showed up with a couple of his friends and we took the party indoors for noise control only they went out for a smoke and Kelley's car was there and The Boy pounded on her front door and I pounded on her back door‡‡‡ but she didn't answer and meanwhile The Boy's sister was calling her and she didn't answer and Joel and his friends were getting stoned and drunker and I was getting tired and The Boy said, "You can just crash here and get your keys in the morning" and was that enough foreshadowing for you? and The Boy's sister whispered something to him and he said, "No, Marin's all about Jason," and then he looked at me and said, "You're all about Jason," and I couldn't disagree and I called the Coral Room to promise I would come in and pay my tab as soon as I had money again and at 2:30 I couldn't stay up any more so I crashed in The Boy's bed and told him I'd go to the couch when he came to bed only when he came to bed at 4:00 Joel was passed out on the couch so I couldn't go sleep on the couch.

[SUMMARY: How old are we?]

Now I'm going to slow down, 'cause this is the good part.

He climbed in bed an just laid§§§ down for awhile, then spooned up on me and put an arm around me.

"How come we don't do this more often?"

I flipped. Literally. All the way over and looked him straight in the eye and said, "WHAT?!?"

"How come we don't do this more often?"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"No... seriously? After you broke up with me? OK, OK... the answer to your question: we don't do this more often because you don't want to."

And then there was a little fooling around. And then there was more spooning.

[SUMMARY: I'm only campaigning for saint... I'm not there yet.]

And then we picked the conversation up where we left off:

"But I like this. You next to me feels good. We should do this more often."

"We'll talk about it later. Get some sleep."

And Kelley brought my keys and stuff around 8:00 and took me to my car and I spent Saturday with my favourite cousin.

Then Sunday I broke up with the poor little date¶¶¶ and celebrated Brother's and Father's birthdays### The Boy is going to see Rush at Red Rocks with me Thursday and you can just call me Carrie Bradshaw.

[SUMMARY: Not the body or the cachet, but the Big and Aidan and Burger and all.]

With less fabulous shoes.


†FOOTNOTE (crossed): 40th

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): Not like that. Well, yes like that, but later. Guess who showed up at the Coral Room?

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): I can hear you giggling out there...

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): -er. Shorter.

%FOOTNOTE (percented): Ooooh... how clumsy is my foreshadowing?

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): And a guy with no filters, no tact and no social grace at all.

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): Much to everyone's surprise.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): Smooth as cactus.

§§FOOTNOTE (circular logic): Followed by peals of laughter and objectless sentence fragments:

"With the..."

"And then she..."

"And the SEAHORSE!!!"

*wild laughter*

¶¶FOOTNOTE (double-fisting those long necks): Ed was h a m m e r e d.

##FOOTNOTE (pounded like a two-door apartment): I finally met the sister. I know that sounds weird when I'm talking about a guy I've technically been separated from (if you can call the passive termination of a two month thing "separated") for two years... but it seems to be a point of curiosity for a lot of people who know us that I never met his sister.

†††FOOTNOTE (my cross to bear... or have I already done that one?): Also The Boy's place and Ed's place. Wait... was that more bumbling foreshadowing?

‡‡‡FOOTNOTE (sidetracked): Quit it. We stopped being dirty two paragraphs ago. Besides, now you're talking three-way and I'm just not sure I'm cut out for that.

§§§FOOTNOTE (too confusing for words. Let me do this interpretive dance...): What a great choice of words. But, really... lay is transitive, but what's the past tense of lie? The dictionary shows lay, lain, lying... grammar is not my friend this morning.

¶¶¶FOOTNOTE (like clubbing baby seals): 1) The hook-up and the break-up had nothing to do with each other; I was going to cut the poor little date free Sunday before I ever saw The Boy this weekend, and 2) this was the first time I've *ever* broken up with someone that didn't involve a fight. Oh, guys have broken up with me before, but I've never been the one to call that shot. It was weird and uncomfortable and I'd rather not do it again if I can help it.

###FOOTNOTE (oh, the pounding we're taking here in the footnotes today): Flip-flops with bottle openers in the bottom may be the coolest invention *ever*.

Wonderlick*

I finally got the camera together with the computer.† While there are still no knitting pictures, I find the meeting of the electronics a good thing. If nothing else, it means I am not a complete technoloser for the twelfth day running.

[SUMMARY: I have a camera and I know how to use it.]

I learned last week there is more than one way to skin a cat,‡ billboard-wise.§

Just across the street, west of the last billboard lesson, we saw this:




See, sometimes you just have to pop the old billboard off en toto, then snap the new one in its place.




You must always use a crane.

[SUMMARY: Continuing education.]

Last week, they also started putting up holiday lights downtown at the Pavilions. This guy is on a little crane. I kinda want him.




[SUMMARY: Everything is well-hung with a crane.]

Saturday, Kelley and I had an extravaganza of extravigant proportions.

We had brunch at the Coral Room, shopped 32nd Street, headed to Cherry Creek, where I took this picture from the top of the parking garage, which is where we had to park because the mall was for some unknown reason busier than Christmastime:




We visited Nordstrom and Urban Outfitter, then down South Broadway to look at cute, cheap shoes and sex toys.

Sex toys wasn't on our original list of things to do, but we were so close to The Crypt, we figured we'd better pop in and see what's the ups in fine leather accoutrement.

I hipped Kelley to pony play.¶ She's so happy to have me as a friend.

[SUMMARY: The more you know! {stars and rainbows}%]

We headed home for a little nap break before her friends Aaron and Stacy picked us up to go to Central City to lose some money.

I'm not much of a gambler. I find it boring, mostly because I've had the good fortune to never win. See, people who win are likely to get hooked looking for that *next* win. I just plugged a twenty in the video poker machine and played it for a couple of hours, lost it and quit.

But that's not the fun part. The fun part is that Aaron particularly wanted Kelley to bring a friend because he's trying to hook up with Stacy# and he wanted Kelley to be able to make herself scarce without making it too obvious that was what she was doing.††

[SUMMARY: We're in high school.]

Stacy turned Aaron down flat, so he decided to blaze up on our way out.@

"You guys mind if I smoke?"

Being not morally opposed to pot, and knowing many fully functional stoners,‡‡ I told him to go right ahead. I figured he'd take a couple of hits for the road and mellow out.

He smoked all. the. way. home. An hour-and-a-half in traffic.

I don't mind if people suck on the herb, but the smell nauseates me. And Aaron, in his role as my driver, was starting to worry me vis-a-vis his impairment level.

It was a long ride down the mountain.

[SUMMARY: OK, not in high school. Old and un-cool.]

When we got home, Kel and I went to the Coral Room to see Favourite Bartender.

"Just one drink," we said.

Two drinks and three shots§§ later, we moseyed home.

[SUMMARY: Debauchery!]

Sunday, we met for brunch again, as it was Miss Kris's last day (we didn't know that until Saturday) and we had to say goodbye.

Then Bag Lady Kathryn and I went to Old Navy, where I bought a whole new wardrobe and did some Christmas shopping and took care of a baby shower gift. I really would have liked to have knitted something for the tot, but I don't think I have time. Maybe a hat.

[SUMMARY: Knitting! I talked about knitting!]

Now let me tell you about the boys of my weekend.

Saturday, The Boy¶¶ showed up at brunch. He tapped me on the shoulder, gave me a friendly little rub on the back, then sat down next to me. I have a firm policy of giving back to people pretty much what they give me, so I was pleasant.

When we left, Kel said, "I don't know what that was all about. I didn't invite him or anything."^

Later, I turned to Kelley and said, "Hey, The Boy sat next to me. He always sits next to you. Even when we were together, he sat next to you instead of me."

"I know!"

[SUMMARY: Will wonders never cease?]

At the Coral## that night, The Waiter came in. Now, I don't know if I told y'all about The Waiter, but one night after a girls' night out, we hooked up.& We hooked up a couple of times, but with his schedule, he was wont to call at 3:00 on Wednesday morning, so it just kind of faded out.

He showed up right at bar close Saturday night when Kelley and I were the only people in with Favourite Bartender. He grabbed a beer and kissed my hand††† and sat and talked with us for awhile. At one point, Favourite Bartender asked, "How's your wife?"

And when we all left, Favourite Bartender said, "Tell the wife I said hi."

And when I got home, I called Kel, "How long has The Waiter been married?"

"He's MARRIED?!?!"

"So it seems."

"Didn't you and he..."

"So it seems."

"Holy..."

"So it seems."

I shake my head.$

[SUMMARY: Gaack!]

The Boy came to brunch on Sunday and was nice.

[SUMMARY: Nope! Wonders don't cease! The wonders just keep coming!]

I haven't heard from Soldier Boy since last Tuesday.

There. Now you know as much about my love life as I do.

[SUMMARY: You're welcome.]

I didn't get very good photos, but I was cleaning the pile of books‡‡‡ from beside my bed.§§§ I was on my hands and knees,¶¶¶ pulling some escapees from under the dust ruffle, when I heard mad scrambling from over my head. I popped up to find the cat had found the best kitty toy EVER.

He tossed it and chased it and batted it and chewed it...




Look close.




[SUMMARY: Best. Kitty. Toy. EVER.]

After visiting The Crypt Saturday, we popped into the Hornet so I could pee and I saw this in the bathroom stall. It was so poetical-artsy I had to take a picture of it to share:

[SUMMARY: She took pictures in a public bathroom stall?]

You're welcome.

Happy Monday!


*FOOTNOTE (asterisked. I'm getting soft in my old age): For those who don't know, this is kinda funny. The Wonderlic is an intelligence test made famous by the NFL. Well, famous to those who indulge in a little ESPN during recruiting time. The college guys coming out for the draft go to the combine. They are run through paces that look a little like fourth grade field day (remember field day? Good times.) and they take the Wonderlic test. Every year, some guy scores a two and everybody talks about how a cactus might be a better choice for the D-line, providing the cactus was big enough to block effectively, 'cause it's sure going to block smarter.

You can take a sample version of the test here. Just to see if you're smarter than a football player.

I envision the Wonderlick (my own creation, patent pending... well, pending application, approval and usage) being a test of humour. Which Wonderlick-the-pig items do you laugh at? Will you score a twenty-five (Jon Stewart)? A ten (Newt Gingrich)? A two (Jamar al-Fadl)? A one (Jimmy Fallon)?

†FOOTNOTE (crossed): Do you camera, take the computer...

‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): No wonder cats are so high strung. We're always looking for new ways to skin them.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): Was that one of the hobbits from "Return of the King"? Bill Boardwise?

¶FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): If you don't know what that is, it's exactly what you *think* it is, given the context. I wouldn't Google it at work if I were you.

%FOOTNOTE (percented): If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you laughed at that, thank Sarah.

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): Yes, much in the way I hooked the camera up with the computer. In fact, the deeper you delve into that metaphor, the more interesting and apt it becomes.

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): Apparently Aaron's never heard of the women's bathroom.

@FOOTNOTE (atted): Both to ease his pain and because he was previously on his best behaviour to impress Stacy.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): Of which I could never be one. Pot makes me utterly stoopid. I can't talk. One New Year's, some friends of mine and I got stoned and watched a Beavis & Butthead marathon, culminating in the Beavis & Butthead movie. At some point, I realised we were watching Space Ghost. I turned to my friends and tried to say, "When did Beavis & Butthead end?" but what I actually said to them was, "Duhhhhhh." And because they were stoned, they laughed like loons. And because I was stoned, I tried to laugh, but mostly what I did was go, "Duhhhhhh."

§§FOOTNOTE (dangerous curves... I've already used that one, haven't I?): And twelve dollars. Not each, mind you, twelve dollars TOTAL. It's good to be queen.

¶¶FOOTNOTE (drumsticks!): You may remember he is Kelley's best friend. We were getting friendly, largely for Kelley's sake, when he had a little set-back and started being increasingly assish. I haven't even seen him for two months or more, possibly because I chewed him a new asshole the last time he pissed me off.

^FOOTNOTE (careted): I get the feeling she might have, actually.

##FOOTNOTE (pounded like a free shot): Pronounced "corral" if you're in the in crowd. I'm not in the in crowd, but I play one on TiVi.

&FOOTNOTE (ampersanded): Read: fucked like bunnies.

†††FOOTNOTE (very cross): A move my brother can attest still plays in the 'burbs. And I gotta say, The Waiter has marvelous technique and I got a little fluttery and giggly until I found out his dirty little secret.

$FOOTNOTE (moneyed): Here's the thing: I don't mess with other girls' boys. I did it once accidentally (Hi, Jeanne!) when I was a sophomore in high school and I hated the feeling of watching another girl cry because I was an inadvertant bitch. Girls who screw with other girls' boys are termed "barracuda" in my book. On the other totally hypocritical hand, I have a fantasy about sleeping with a married man... not one I'd ever act on. Except I did. Unwittingly. And maybe that's what really pisses me off in this scenario... I got one of my low-level fantasies and I didn't even get to enjoy it as such.

‡‡‡FOOTNOTE (staples!): Mostly knitting books... just so you know we're still highly involved in knitting.

§§§FOOTNOTE (wound like a spring): Y'all know... preparation. Just in case. In anticipation.

¶¶¶FOOTNOTE (Ionic shafts! I said "shafts." heh.): Stop it! You have a dirty mind!