Monday, February 14, 2011

Saddest Valentine's Day Ever

My father's wife sent me a very special Valentine.




"How nice," you may be thinking right about now.

Step back, funk soul brother;$ it *came* that way.

She sent me an EMPTY CHOCOLATE BOX.

For the record, my father and the Wicked Stepmother recently went on a two-week Hawaiian cruise.

I had dinner with Dad upon their return, and he told me Peach got me a present, but she drank it before she got home.

Yeah, she thinks she's as funny as I think I am.§


FOOTNOTE (crossed): Henceforth to be knows as The Wicked Stepmother. You'll understand here in a second.

ETA: $FOOTNOTE (dollared): Now I can't get that song out of my head. I earwormed myself.

FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): And when the Brothers Grimm write about my life, you'll be my witnesses.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): Apparently it runs in the family... and we're not even blood. For those of you scoring at home, there was actually a bag of Godiva Gems waiting in the back seat of the car. Y'know... don't cry for me, Valentina.

12 comments:

Jeffe Kennedy said...

I have got SO many ideas for revenge gifts right now...

Marin (AntiM) said...

Pass 'em on, friend - I told Dad this was only going to escalate and I need GOOD ammo.

handeyecrafts said...

Okay. You are the only person I know who could make something this infuriating this funny.

Jeffe Kennedy said...

First: does she read this blog? We don't want to blow the vicious surprise.

Marin (AntiM) said...

Thank you, Kim. If the Godiva hadn't been forthcoming, I don't know if I could have overcome the disappointment coma.

No, Jeffe, we're safe here. Give it your best worst.

meshugemoo said...

Don't feel so bad. The inside of the box looks like a toxic waste symbol. Those candies weren't that great, I'm guessing.

CatKnits said...

My first thought was that it looked like a nuclear warning sign in a Valentine's box. So sorry that WSM is so toxic.

Marin (AntiM) said...

I fear I put out the wrong vibe: the WSM isn't that bad. It's all in a joking spirit. I appreciate all your support, but it really is supposed to be funny.

Plus, I don't want to feel mean when I give her the empty Tiffany box for her birthday.

CatKnits said...

Sooo slow on the uptake. That's me. By the way, I have a number of attractive empty boxes for a variety of products should you need one in the future.

Jeffe Kennedy said...

Love the Tiffany concept!

Other ideas, depending on how cruel you wish to be:

Mother's Day. Opportunity for major bait and switch. Very sweet picture frame "To Mom" where you add in STEP with appropriately doctored photo.

Easter: Cadbury eggs, the clever giver could drain the eggs of delicious cream. Or, with a delicate touch, the Cadbury foil could be rewrapped around an empty plastic shell. Many candy opps like this.

St. Patricks Day? Bottle of Jamesons, replaced with colored water.

Marin (AntiM) said...

Sometimes, Jo, I outthink myself and get too subtle. I wouldn't take that on yourself.

I really, really like the plastic egg wrapped in a Cadbury foil. I could put a slip of paper inside, like some sadistic fortune cookie, that says, "Wicked Stepmothers always get their comeuppance." - the Brothers Grimm.

heeheeheeheehee

Jeffe Kennedy said...

Love the sadistic fortune!