My father's wife† sent me a very special Valentine.
"How nice," you may be thinking right about now.
Step back, funk soul brother;$ it *came* that way.
She sent me an EMPTY CHOCOLATE BOX.‡
For the record, my father and the Wicked Stepmother recently went on a two-week Hawaiian cruise.
I had dinner with Dad upon their return, and he told me Peach got me a present, but she drank it before she got home.
Yeah, she thinks she's as funny as I think I am.§
†FOOTNOTE (crossed): Henceforth to be knows as The Wicked Stepmother. You'll understand here in a second.
ETA: $FOOTNOTE (dollared): Now I can't get that song out of my head. I earwormed myself.
‡FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): And when the Brothers Grimm write about my life, you'll be my witnesses.
§FOOTNOTE (swerved): Apparently it runs in the family... and we're not even blood. For those of you scoring at home, there was actually a bag of Godiva Gems waiting in the back seat of the car. Y'know... don't cry for me, Valentina.