Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Sex, Baby

Let's talk about it, shall we?

I mean, those who can't do... talk.^

This is sort of a mini sexual pig-licking,as I have a couple of little tidbits I've wanted to share, but not enough for a full-blown§ post of any one subject.

Let's be honest. I've been looking for an excuse to drop these in casual blog conversation, but it turns out that's not possible and I'm getting impatient.

Besides, hey, it's been awhile... for talking, I mean. Y'all are going to think I'm doing nothing but knitting and nursing my fabulous TiVi career.

[SUMMARY: Slow news day.]

First, a little trivia:

You know how a lot of sex toys (see: The Rabbit) have animals and faces and all sorts of odd sculptural elements to them? They're not just molded for your pleasure, that used to be a way to get them past customs.

When Asian countries exported such things to the US, there was a time when they had to dress them up to justify calling them art or cultural items so they wouldn't get caught in the obscenity web at US Customs and the postal service.

Why are they still that way today? I'm guessing that once you know The Rabbit, that's what you look for in a battery-driven device. You don't want to switch to, say, the Buzzbuddy 3000 with no bunny ears and cheery faces.

[SUMMARY: I said "battery-driven device."]


I have two documentaries to recommend to you:

If you have HBO and On Demand, find the Katie Morgan series. Seriously. I'll wait here.

Other than that, there is a half-hour HBO documentary¶ called "Katie Morgan: Porn 101." It's funny, charming, informative, interesting... you'll even stop noticing Katie's enormous, naked breasts after a few minutes.

I love Katie Morgan. I'll probably never see one of her movies because porn bores the daylights out of me, but I love this HBO stuff.

HBO also ran "Inside Deep Throat"# which is incredibly interesting% in a historical and sociological way as well as the more prurient titillation you might get from the subject matter.

For instance, it explores the way video technology has changed the quality of pornography, as they now crank out scriptless, plotless fuck-fests as fast as they can make them whereas there used to be some nod to a storyline and production values.††

It also speaks to the obscenities charges brought up against the producers and stars, the Meese Commission and the effect those trials had on the lives of those involved, the skin industry and the nation.

You know what floored me about that? Testimony behind the Meese Report was well within my lifetime. Not just my lifetime, but my conscious news-gathering memory (1986). Yet I don't remember it,§§ nor did I really know much about it until I watched this movie.

[SUMMARY: FILM. Not movies, not flicks... FILM. Really.]


So I was watching re-runs of "That 70's Show" and saw insinuation of a pop rocks blow job.

Anybody ever try this? Care to report? How 'bout that Altoids thing that went around the email circuit a couple of years ago?

[SUMMARY: Education is not all dispersal of information; you must also gather information.]


Did you know there is a MUSCLE in a guy's balls?

Let me drop some science on you:

The sac around each testicle has a thin layer called the cremasteric‡‡ muscle. It acts as a sort of thermostat/insullation to keep his cojones at the right temp for sperm production. Confession: I thought the concept of a guys testicles drawing up into his body was figurative. Turns out it was literal. The cremasteric muscle pulls them up and drops them down in response to outside temperature.

Imagine. Or did you already know all this? Am I the last to know? Why didn't anyone tell me?

Also? If you tickle the inside of a guy's thighs, the muscle has a reflex response and jumps a little, which could be amusing in a penis puppet kind of way.

[SUMMARY: Ask Dr. Science...]


Has anybody else seen the Viva Viagra commercial? Why is it Elvis's estate won't sell the catalog to iTunes but will allow "Viva Viagra" to be played in blatant disregard for taste and good sense?

Could Viagra really provide more income than iTunes?

[SUMMARY: In which we ask the unanswerable questions.]


Now for a tiny bit of knitting, so's y'all's heads don't collectively explode.

I have bound off Lizard Ridge. I have blocked two of the four strips and will block the other two... soon. If I get a chance, I'm going to pick up some Cascade 220 for the edging and joining tonight.

You may even see pictures before the month is up.

[SUMMARY: Still a knitblog!]

FOOTNOTE (crossed): I don't mean physically, I don't mean I don't got mad skillz... just not the same without, say, a partner. For six months. But who's counting?

^FOOTNOTE (careted): And, y'know -- excite the forces of Google since we APPARENTLY can't excite red-blooded American males in person. Not that I'm bitter. Or frustrated.

FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): All due respect to Marvin Gaye, not exactly like sexual healing, but you could write a song about it. Besides, how often do you suppose I'll get a chance to say "sexual pig-licking" and get away with it?

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): *snort*

FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): Shortest. Documentary. Ever. Speaking of short films... has anybody seen the 30-Second Bunnies Theater films? I wouldn't recommend watching them en ouevre, as the novelty wears off in... oh, about 30 seconds, but funny when you run across them out in the wild.

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): *gigglesnort*

%FOOTNOTE (percented): As opposed to the simple "interesting" from the paragraph above.

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): And you find out that Linda Lovelace lived in one of the beige neighbourhoods in suburban Denver before her death in a car accident (also in Denver) in 2002. This may be more interesting to me than to you.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): Is it just me or does that word seem dirty?

§§FOOTNOTE (jacuzzi jets!): Which may be because that was early in my college career and I was paying more attention to boys, booze and music than actual news.

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