Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Hookers and Blow!

That's what Eric and Jeff used to say at poignant moments§ during D&D campaigns.

Today's post is all about what my father got me for my birthday.

Booze and narcotics.


[SUMMARY: My dad knows me really well.]

See, when I turned thirty, it was like somebody threw an endocrinological# switch and suddenly I was sleeping like a normal person but I also got terrible cramps.†† The doctors rolled their eyes like I was a hysteric‡‡ and told me to take four Advil and leave them the hell alone.

Advil doesn't touch these cramps. It blows right on by the cramps and lodges somewhere... maybe my feet.§§

I was sitting at lunch with Meg and it suddenly occurred to me, "I just wrote 2000 words on menstrual cramps.% Perhaps I should edit when my blood sugar is better."


To make a long story short,¶¶ on a trip to LA, I discovered the icy magic of Vicodin. Then I discovered that 4 out of 5 gynecologists surveyed prefer a slow, painful death for their patients who have pain.

So the people in my life‡‡‡ have grown accustomed to saving Vicodin for me. And the rest of the world seems to get a lot of Vicodin: twist your ankle, get some Vicodin. Stub your toe, get some Vicodin. Feelings hurt? Have some Vicodin.

Fortunately for me, most Vicodin prescriptions are way bigger than the ailments for which they're prescribed and I have a very loving, generous Vicodin support system.

My father had a tooth pulled last week.

[SUMMARY: Is that foreshadowing I smell?]

Dad got the big pills. I'll save those for the monthly super hell days.

And he got me $100 gift card to Mondo Vino, the local and fantastic wine store featured in yesterday's blogpost.

So, y'know... booze and narcotics.

[SUMMARY: I told you so.]

I promised not to use them together.


FOOTNOTE (crossed): High school. Y'know... the glory days. *snarf*

FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): Don't judge.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): When plundering an elf camp or during the obligatory meeting-in-the-tavern opening. Yeah, I said it: elf camp.

FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): Partly because it's a short post, partly because it doesn't really require pictures.

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): Endocrinistic? Endocraptastic? OK, now I'm just making shit up.

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): Nobody asked me. The trade was made behind my back.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): One doctor -- a woman, no less -- *laughed* at me and said, "Awwwww... hurts to be a woman, doesn't it?" Bitch.

§§FOOTNOTE (hormonal maelstrom): I have tough feet.

%FOOTNOTE (percented): I don't even have cramps now. Now is the good time of the month, when the facial hair diminishes, the hormone-driven acne goes away and I'm feeling sassy. Yet, I managed 2000 words on cramps.

¶¶FOOTNOTE (two vicodin!): Too late!

‡‡‡FOOTNOTE (oh, the scars of medical science): Dad, Brother, my boss, Bag Lady Kathryn, Tani, Tani's ex-boyfriend...

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