Monday, August 6, 2007

DAM'd If You Do...

Saturday, I talked to my father. As always, he asked, "How's your love life?"

I said, "Interesting."

"That's an interesting cop-out," he said.

And so I explained.

And so he agreed, "Huh. Interesting may be the right word."

Of course, the more carnal of the details I didn't tell. I saved those for y'all. You're welcome.

And now...

Ladeeeeez and Gemplemen! Welcome to Cirque do Solame! To my left...

Bachelor #1: Dumped your dear ol' AntiM quite some time ago, yet continues to hang around the fringes. Tells mutual friends he wants to be invited where I'm going. Just-ex-girlfriend has maintained a certain pissiness with he and me because he apparently talks about me all the time.


When we have been in the same room together, he practically pulls my pigtails and throws rocks at me on the playground to show he likes me, if indeed he does. Anytime I try to be cordial, he becomes a complete ass. He never has anything nice to say about me or to me.

In fact, he hardly talks to me at all. He just puts me on a pedestal behind my back.

Imagine the devotion to yoga that little pretzel twist takes.

[SUMMARY: If he wasn't so good in bed, I wouldn't even consider him. I'm weak.]

...and dancing on a wire, precariously balanced high above the crowd...

Bachelor #2: Had my naked body in his grasp. Literally. Looked me in the eye and asked for a beer. Was asked to leave.

Apologised the next day, said he wanted another chance. Second chance allowed, never heard from him again.

[SUMMARY: no no no no no no no no no no no no no]

To my right...

Bachelor #3: Simply doesn't get it, but apparently wants it bad.

After hearing from me, "I have no interest in going where you're going. Not mad, not judging, just not my thing AT ALL," left gracefully.

Then came back.§ Why do they always come back?

Wants a second chance. Against my better judgment, I agreed he could call me this week.#

So he did.

At 9:00 Saturday night.

To know if I wanted to go out. THAT NIGHT.

Or maybe have some company.††

I said no. He said, "Call if you change your mind."

I said I would.

I didn't.

[SUMMARY: Largely ambivalent, leaning towards "meh."]

And now, if I may direct your attention to the centre ring!

Bachelor #4: Had some life troubles awhile back and just kinda disappeared. Suddenly showed up last weekend with a vengeance, asking several people (at a party) where I was and asking to get me there and calling me six times on my cell phone‡‡ and finally having a friend call.

I had other plans that evening. Besides, he was drunk.§§ He said he'd call me the next day.

He did.

He was going to be out of town and asked if he could call when he got back.

He did.

He wanted to set up a weekend-long date for the last weekend in August or first weekend in September.¶¶

He says he'll see me in the meantime, he just wanted to set that up for sure. He says he'll call this week.

He calls me Red.##

I can't see us being long-term. But I do appreciate his current tenacity more than the ill-conceived antics of his fellow Disciples of AntiM.†††

And I so appreciate his fine, fine ass.

[SUMMARY: Did I mention weak?]

So, yeah. It was more C battery than "see me" this weekend, but things certainly are...


FOOTNOTE (crossed): One of the hazards of a parent late to the dating scene: potential for over-sharing. From both parties. You don't even want to know what I know about his girlfriend's ass. Frankly, neither do I.

FOOTNOTE (double-crossed): No, I do not count him in the running (see summary). I just know That Bastard Murphy swings into full force at times like this and Beer Boy is more likely to call in the next couple of weeks when I'm kind of confused and overwhelmed and wishy-washy and weak and weird than at any other time.

§FOOTNOTE (swerved): At 1:30 in the morning. By phone. And when I said, "Dude. Seriously. I WAS ASLEEP," he said, "Maybe I could come over and lick you back to sleep."

FOOTNOTE (paragraphed): He woke me up! I have no judgment in the first half-hour of my waking life. Enough not to accept licking, yes. Enough not to accept a request for another phone call, no.

#FOOTNOTE (pounded): But NOT at 1:00 in the morning.

††FOOTNOTE (ddouble-ccrossed): Given the licking thing, I'm pretty sure he wasn't interested in my schedule of knitting and TiVo-clearing events I had slated for the evening.

‡‡FOOTNOTE (doubble-crossssed): Note to the world: I am not much a cell phone person. When I am home, the cell phone is generally in the car where I can't hear it. Do not get pissed at me because I'm not answering my phone -- try the home number. And I frequenly don't go near a computer on the weekends, so don't email me expecting anything before Monday. Just for the record. Thank you.

§§FOOTNOTE (curvy, only doubly so): Despite all evidence to the contrary, I do have some standards. I do draw some lines. And sleeping with someone who doesn't even know who I am... not on my list of viable alternatives.

¶¶FOOTNOTE (hyperparagraphed): When his ex- will be taking their daughter out of town for a couple of weeks.

##FOOTNOTE (pounded. twice.): I know, but if he and Red and I are ever in the same room, we're all going to have to embrace the slapstick, mistaken-identity, sit-com hilarity that shall ensue.

†††FOOTNOTE (cruxtrebles): the DAM'd

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